CheekyChicago

My mom’s name is Rosemary and she loves Aveda products. Aveda happens to have a “Rosemary Mint” line, and let’s just say I’ve tapped this coincidence for gift ideas on more than one occasion. But this year, as my brain reflexively snapped back to the same old shampoo for Mother’s Day, I had a vision. Actually it was more of a photographic memory: Unused bottles of Rosemary Mint on my mother’s “bathroom storage” shelf. You know that shelf. It’s purgatory for products kept out of rotation, for use in the event of something special like, say, nuclear fallout.

This got me thinking. What do moms really want? Are skin care gift baskets the dreaded Christmas fruitcakes of Mother’s Day? What if moms could sound off on the ridiculous gifts we buy them, or, for that matter, the silly things we do?

I decided I would talk to moms – not new moms, but grown women’s moms, our moms – about “What Moms Want.” I wanted the low-down, the inside look, the “What Your Man Really Thinks” story, but about our own mothers. I imagined that moms would have some hilarious quips and digs along the lines of “ladies, please, we have enough moisturizer.”

Well, I was right to talk to moms, but I couldn’t have been more wrong about what they would say. I mean, was I nuts?! Did I really think mothers would complain, even in jest, when the subject turned to their daughters? Friends, our moms are way too deep for that.

Over a few weeks of phone calls and emails, I’ve gathered thoughts from many women about their desires as mothers now that their girls are adults (and, in many cases, moms as well). My own mom contributed thoughts and gathered emails from her friends; my aunt wrote me some beautiful notes on the subject; and I chatted with friends’ moms by phone, which was a blast. I only wish I could have done more interviews (what’s a mom story without a little guilt.)

While my research remains inherently unscientific – I’m hardly a fly on the Mah Jongg table – my overall findings present a clear pattern: When prompted with the question “what do mothers want,” 100% of mothers respond with what they want for their daughters. They don’t quip or complain or discuss their needs. They want us to reach our potential, to share our ups and downs, to be great mothers ourselves and to view them as friends.

Perhaps the best gift we can give our mothers is an open ear to their thoughts and insights (a call and some flowers wouldn’t hurt either). So, in the spirit of Mother’s Day, let me stop talking and let these savvy ladies speak for themselves.

Words of wisdom from mothers of adult women . . .

On Mothers Day:

“Every day is Mother’s Day for me. I just want them to be healthy and be here.”

“[My daughter] always makes me a mix-tape. She throws in enough oldies (classic rock) to take me back and then gingerly introduces some of today’s stuff. I always love it.”

“My daughter and her husband don’t do things because they have to; they think it out and I’m happy for that, because what I get is genuine. I hate knee-jerk holidays. It’s expressed throughout the year; and I like that better. I don’t get my nose out of joint if I’m not sent flowers. Having said that, the drug store had a sale on a cotton kimono for Mother’s Day, and I thought maybe I’ll buy that for myself.”

On motherhood when we were kids vs. now:

“When my daughter was young, I wanted her to excel at just about everything – academics, music and dance, among other things. She did. Once she was accepted by the college of her choice, though, somehow that all fell away. I didn’t worry about grades or majors; I just wanted her to be happy.”

“When she was growing up, I wished she would grow up strong; today I’m thrilled that she did. My fondest wish came true.”

On friendship with daughters:

“She is my best friend.”

“I would never have dared to ‘want’ my own kids to become two of my best friends (after my husband, that is), but it’s worked out that way.”

“Cut a mother the same slack for her foibles as one does for one’s friends.”

“I am her biggest fan.”

On wishes for daughters:

“I want my daughter to fulfill her potential, find love and a great career, and be happy.”

“I want my daughter to know herself and be herself. I want her to know her talents, beauty and brains, and to appreciate and never doubt these qualities.”

“I wanted my daughter to find someone who would make her as happy in love as my own husband has made me. She did.”

“I wish my daughter wouldn’t worry about the men I date; I know that’s hard for her.”

“I wanted my daughter to find some line of work that she would find fulfilling. That’s still a work in progress . . . She is outstanding at [her job] but this may not be the last step in her journey to ‘What I want to be when I grow up.’”

On daughters with babies:

“I was with my daughter through both her labors and it meant everything to me.”

“I wanted my daughter to become a fantastic mother. She has done that. And for the first few months after our first grandchild was born, my husband and I were welcomed into that sleepless inner circle, marveling at the miracle of new life and sharing every grunt and sigh and worry, along with the occasional binge of hysterical laughter that was the result of total exhaustion. That’s something we didn’t know we ‘wanted’ until it arrived: for our daughter and son-in-law to share those new-baby days with such a generosity of spirit.”

“I look at my daughters and I want them to be able to have what I had [as a stay-at-home mom]. I see young mothers struggling just as hard or harder to be good moms and to work. You have to work now. I want them to be able to be with their kids more without guilt or fear. I want things to be easier for them. I want women to come together more, and industry needs to make it easier for caregivers.”

More tips & lessons learned along the way:

“Let your mother know you know she loves you.”

“Two things one never asks: (1) Are you thinking of getting married? (2) Are you thinking of having children?”

“There’s nothing more painful than criticism from one’s own mother (even when given in the spirit of love and encouragement). There’s nothing more heartening than praise from one’s own mother (even when one has to take it with a grain of salt, since it is, after all, praise from one’s own mother).”