CheekyChicago

Ladies, this is a hard one to write.  I’ve spent three hours of my life in the theatre with Ashton and Jennifer and their merry band of A-listers and tween idols, and I feel empty.  No, sick.  It’s as if I’ve snarfed down an entire box of high-calorie celebrities; just shoved them in my mouth without ever really enjoying them, or taking the time to appreciate their talents.

In the genre of big-cast, multiple-plotline, intertwining-relationship films, fine delicacies like Love Actually or Magnolia set the Godiva Bullion standard.  For all its fancy packaging, Valentine’s Day isn’t even a box of mint Frangos.  It’s a big ol’ case of Kit Kats from Costco.  Spilled on the floor, from a heart-shaped piñata.  Then washed down with a box of Franzia.

Candy labels get FDA warnings, so why not this movie?  Be warned.  This product contains:

• Artificial dialogue.  Some in contrived Spanglish.
• A schoolteacher (Jennifer Garner) with enough time for an inexplicable pre-work visit to the flower shop where her “best buddy” (Ashton Kutcher) works, and enough money for a same-day, round-trip ticket from LAX to San Francisco.
• Taylor Swift acting.
• Office cubicles sound-proof enough for phone sex.
• A cornucopia of cheap ethnic stereotypes, from the goofy hydraulics on the wacky Mexican friend’s cousin’s ride, to the two scenes – two scenes – wherein Jamie Foxx tries to “teach” Jessica Biel how to fist bump (Jessica’s rocking some amazing Michelle O. arms though).
• A wealthy doctor who physically enters a flower shop in the year 2010.
• An urgent, pivotal, get-the-girl-in-airport scene lost somewhere in the middle of the movie.
• Bradley Cooper and Julia Roberts – spoiler alert! – never making out.
• Shirley MacLaine describing a sexual past life.  Out.  Of.  Nowhere.
• A high-powered agent (Queen Latifah) with a trash-talking mouth!  Can you believe it??
• Taylor Swift dancing.  With the exact same kneeling-head-spin move Beyonce did at the Grammys.
• Jamie Foxx doing a sad Ray homage.
• The alien abduction of Jessica Alba’s story line (she walks into the sunset with amazing shoes though).
• And Taylor Swift music.  Oh yes.  It plays over a montage, in fact, wherein potential teen sexual escapades resolve themselves – spoiler alert! – in wholesome, virginal fashion.   Today was a fairytale.  I feel queasy, hang on . . .

Okay, I’m back.  Let me leave you with a few positives, just enough to make you Netflix this thing on a sick day.  Because really, it could be worth it, especially if you’re on painkillers.  Valentine’s Day boasts a fun blooper reel during the credit roll.  Kudos to Anne Hathaway and Topher Grace for the film’s only believable on-screen chemistry.  Garner and Kutcher have their moments, especially when exasperated.  And yes, the Julia Roberts plotline payoff – though you should see it coming – actually choked me up a little, dangit.   That’s why she gets paid the big bucks.  You, however, should save yours for something more special.