CheekyChicago

Dear Brooke,

So I’ve been suffering from a broken heart. For like a year.  The thing is, I know the relationship was wrong for me and that I am better off without him and that’s he’s not the guy for me, blah blah blah. But I still cry. A lot. (Like every day.)

I can’t seem to let the relationship go, and that seems crazy to me because he was emotionally abusive to me – made me feel unlovable and had me questioning my feelings/actions constantly – we were together for four years. There was one side of him that was amazing and sweet, and another that was full of rage and anger. The truth is, I still feel unlovable.

I feel like this relationship really messed me up, but I can’t seem to explain how to anyone, including myself.  He told me he loved me and I really thought I loved him. I think I still do, but not really. Ugh, see why I’m writing you?

But back to my annoying little broken heart: I’ve been really hard on myself about it. In fact, I get mad at myself, like frustratingly irritated with myself, when I start to cry or think about him or open my mouth to talk about it.

I’ve been trying so hard to just be with myself and love myself but it seems to always end up with tears and feeling horrible and low and sad, etc. I’ve gone on vacation, spent time being creative, and on and on – nothing seems to help for very long.

Why does it take sooooo long to feel better – when does it get better? Does it?  I am at a loss. Literally.

Signed,

Sick of Being Sad.

Dear Sad Sweetie,

You’ve been working so unbelievably hard to feel better, my love – so for the next few minutes, just take some deep breaths, keep your tissues close at hand, and let’s take this baggage off your shoulders and do some serious unpacking…

I’m just gonna cut right to it: this is about a core issue that I think will have an impact on all of your future relationships including, most importantly, the one with yourself.  No pressure. Ready? Okay.

You, you gorgeous woman, have been misguided. Your brain has been led to believe in a definition of “love” that your heart doesn’t, hasn’t, and will never agree with. Seems to me that your brain and your heart are at war over the meaning of love. Exhausting? Yup. Tear promoting? Absolutely.

So, first of all…how did this happen?

We start with an idea in our heart and our brain about what love means, feels like, etc. In your case, you met someone who said they loved you, but treated you in a way that made you question yourself, your feelings, and your actions.

So your brain, being the logical creature it is, thought; love = questioning myself and my feelings and my actions. But then your beautiful heart said; but I feel un-loved, I don’t feel good about this. Is this really love?  And your brain said; heart, listen to me. This is what love is. Trust me, I’m your brain for goodness sakes.

And you, trusting your mind over your heart, as so many of us do, said; done.

Confused yet? Here are the CliffsNotes…

Equation is: someone says “I love you” and then treats you deeply unkindly. You believe their words (your brain) over how their actions make you feel (your heart) and you’re left thinking, this must be what love is… I better get used to it.

So, that’s how it happened.

And here’s what happened next – and why it matters…

As your ex was more and more unkind to you, you picked up his nasty little habit… because, my darling, you are insanely unkind to you too. You’re treating yourself exactly the way he treated you in the relationship. Yes, at this point, my dear, you are emotionally abusing your own self! No wonder you’re having a hard time moving on. You may have “moved on” from the actual physical relationship, but you have yet to move on from routine emotional abuse. I know, madness.

You call your broken heart “annoying,” you judge and get mad and frustrated with yourself when you’re expressing your true emotions. Sounds like trying to “love” yourself looks pretty similar to the way your ex often “loved” you. Unkindly.

Your meaning of love got all messed up….so it’s time to redefine it. Why? So you can love yourself, love others, and be loved in a way that makes sense not only to your brain, but to your heart as well. So you can create peace inside yourself…

The thing about defining love is that it arms your head and your heart and everything in-between with understanding, expectations, safety, and a foundation. When you know what love means and feels like and sounds like to you, then you’ll know when you see it, feel it, hear it. When you know your own personal definition of love, you’ll know what you’re looking for, and what you deserve to feel…you won’t be at a loss.

I want you to take out a piece of paper and start writing your definition of love. Yes, really.

What does love say to you? Does it say you’re beautiful, especially without makeup? Does it say you’re perfectly imperfect in a way that makes sense?  What does love say about your emotions? Does love accept and embrace them…every single one of them? How does love challenge you? Does it let you be the way you are – does it ask you to be your best self – maybe a little of both? What does love say to you, feel like to you, smell like taste like act like? How does love behave?

Oh, and crying is still part of the deal…sans the judgment. Why? Because you put the conflict between your head and your heart on hold while in the relationship, and now that you’re broken up, the mess of that inner struggle is showing its colors – your heart is trying to heal. You’re crying because your understanding of love was tampered with big time, and your heart knows it…and that’s scary and sad stuff. Be gentle with your heart as she works through this wound. See, I told you – tissues on hand.

Now that you know where the tears and confusion and loss and I-don’t-know and do I love him and no I don’t and what do I feel and I feel nothing and I feel everything and and and, is coming from…define love.  For you.  And then re-define it tomorrow.  And cry a little bit. Because your tears mean something. Delicious.

And that’s the thing about defining love…

Love Love Love Love Love,

Brooke