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The Real Housewives of NYC: Wine, Phobias and Toaster Ovens

Oh. My.

by Tiffani Swalley – August 17, 2012

8:01pm: We start off this week’s NYC Housewives’ adventure at Hotel Griffou. Princess Carol has invited the gang to the hotel basement for some holiday fun.

8:02: Aviva, Reed and Mr. Veneers  (Aviva’s father, George) arrive. I am blinded and impressed that hisReal Housewives of NYC teeth do not cause him to face-plant due to their weight.

8:02: Did Countess LuAnn just say “Charmin?” No? Okay.

8:03: Countess LuAnn informs Mr. Veneers that if she, “had a martini with you, George, I might misbehave.” And by that, Countess means she might cut a new terrible song like “Martinis Come in a Gla-ass.”

8:03: Sonja arrives and is terrified to see Veneers. Their last encounter was full of unwarranted sexual harassment. She tries not to get too close, “I just have a little bit of a fever.” Her STDs are flaring up and she ran out of time to soak her face in the “b-day” before the party.

8:04: The gift exchange game begins. Mr. Veneers informs us the drip ring (for the wine) looks like a “cock ring.” This guy is a charmer. Sexual harassment for everyone: Happy Holidays!

Real Housewives of New York8:05: Sonja put one of her STDs in a box! Oh wait, it’s a lizard.

8:05: Aviva is scared of lizards. Lizards do rank #68 on what I like to call the ALP or “Aviva’s List of Phobias.”

8:06: We move to the set of Sonja’s toaster oven photo shoot. Yummie Heather is not pleased with Sonja for she is uber late.

8:07: Sonja’s here! She asks the food stylist if she has seen her YouTube video, “How to Cook in the Toaster Oven.” No, Sonja, no she has not seen it. No one has seen it.

8:16:  Sonja informs us that she has to change her tampon. But wait, isn’t she like 80-years-old? Do we know where this blood is actually coming from?

8:17: Torso only model, eh fella?Real Housewives of New York

8:21: All I can look at is that massive bruise on Sonja’s arm.

8:27: Princess Carol has all the housewives over to her place for lunch and informs us that she is “not someone who has conventional lunches.” Therefore, she invited everyone over for M&Ms. Way to underdeliver, Princess.

8:27: Princess invites the housewives on her upcoming trip to St. Barths.

8:27: We’ve hit #17 on ALP: the dreaded small plane. You can tell Aviva ain’t joking around about this one.

8:28: Aviva is not going anywhere without Reed, including St. Bartsh. Places without Reed: ALP #8.

8:31: We find ourselves at Ramona’s party to introduce her new red wine, “RAMONA: The Devil Incarnate.”

8:33: Ramona and Sonja discuss how Sonja’s toaster oven shoot went with Heather. Ramona asks Sonja, “So was she trying to steamroll you?” “So she was trying to steamroll you to her way.” STEAMROLL?

8:34: Aviva let’s us know that Ramona’s pictures are “airbrushed, overly airbrushed.” ALP #33.

The Real Housewives of New York8:34: Ramona confronts Heather, “So I kinda heard you STEAMROLLED Sonja and wouldn’t listen to what she said.” Ah, there it is.

8:35: Ramona confronts Heather again. I can barely keep up with the logic going on at this point.  Something about not wanting Ramona on the shoot and Heather should have called Ramona, blah, blah, blah.

8:36: The massive bruise is back!

8:39: Sonja informs Ramona; hey you just threw me under the steamroller. Ramona then reminds Sonja that she is her biatch and should only speak if spoken to.

8:47: We find ourselves invited to Sonja’s friend, Janna Bullocks’ party.

8:47: What is up with Yummie’s bedazzled t-shirts and red lipstick? I’m a little concerned she legitimately thinks this is a good look.

8:48: Aviva decides to confront Countess about the wine tasting scandal that I would say happened about, oh, one million years ago with Ramona.

8:50: Look over here at Jacque; he’s playing the piano!

8:51: Aviva is not satisfied with the amount of non-drama her confrontations are causing, so she’ll bring it up again to Mario. And we might have ourselves a little West Side Story rumble in the making. Countess LuAnn and Jacque sense trouble and are outta here. Wait, Ramona needs to insult your accent first! Jacuzzi.

8:51: Ramona says he’s not even French and Jacque’s accent is a fake. Good one, Mona?

8:53: Yummie Heather is really disturbed that everyone is talking about Jacque behind his back. By the distressed look on her face, we see her piecing together that this show may not be worth her soul or promoting her bedazzled t-shirts.

8:58: Ramona yells something mean at Heather again. I think it was, “I still hate you because you didn’t invite me to London!” At least, that’s what I heard.

8:58: Aviva scolds Heather, “You can’t tell Mario his wife is crazy.” No worries Aviva, I think Mario has heard this one before.

8:59:  “To Be Continued…” What? Can Andy Cohen do that? It’s probably a good call because I am exhausted from all the wine, pot-stirring and bedazzling going on in here. My head is spinning but we’ll have to tune in next week to see how this one shakes down. Yikes.

About the Author: Tiffani Swalley

Tiffani Swalley watches entirely too much television. When this “Transplanted Southerner” pries herself away for the tube, you’ll find her writing press releases or performing around Chicago…or eating…or eating while doing both.