CheekyChicago

Forget date night. Schedule a lunch date with your man instead.

What does it mean to be in a happy relationship? How do you measure your relationship against others you know? Do you have a scale of happiness? I started to ponder this question while reading The Happiest Baby on the Block, which takes new parents through the myths of crying infants and shows you how to deal with the first three months of a newborn’s life. It proposes the main reason for babies’ crying is that they are born three months too soon.

Wouldn’t it be amazing if we could somehow have a definitive answer for why our relationships sometimes don’t work, fizzle, change or shift with circumstance and time?

In my experience, there are no two relationships that are the same. While it’s wonderful to gossip with your friends and swap stories, it’s important to focus on you, your partner and what you both want together. So, here are some questions to ask yourself. Grab a bottle of wine, your partner and have an honest heart-t0-heart. You might be surprised what you learn about each other.

1. Do you allow your partner to be exactly who they are? Most of us don’t. Most of us want our partners to be who we want them to be or who we think they are. We love the parts that are acceptable. When they stray from our vision, we can become angry. “He’s not who I thought he was.” Well, who did you think he was? Who did you want him to be? Are what you want and reality two separate things? We all want the freedom for someone to love us just as we are. It’s great to be inspired to be a better person, but if you are trying to change the one you’re with or vice versa, it may be time to examine why, and if you really want to live your life like that.

2. When a problem arises in your relationship, who do you talk to? Do you go straight to the source, or do you call up your girlfriend and whine? I have so many friends who will tell me exactly what the issue is with their relationship in a very direct way. “But, why are you telling me this?” I ask. “Talk to him just like you’re talking to me.” Sometimes there are shrugs or: “He just wouldn’t understand.” If your partner doesn’t understand or won’t listen to you when things are bad, then that’s going to make for a long road. The way you get through the tough patches reveals so much about you as a couple. Pinpoint the issues so you can resolve them together.

2. What are the deal breakers? What can’t you live with? You know what you love about your partner, but what are the ultimate deal breakers for you? Be up front about these things in the beginning of your relationship. If you can’t date a smoker, that’s one thing. If you’ve been cheated on and your partner has cheated in the past, is this something that’s going to weigh heavily on you, or are you going to look at that as a past experience and not the sum of the individual? Only you can answer the tough questions and know what you can and can’t put up with. Be honest with yourself.

4. How often do you compliment your partner in ratio to how much you nag? In the beginning of a relationship, it seems like all you want to do is gush about your partner. Five years down the line, you can’t stand the way he acts, talks, moves, thinks, drives, works, breathes, etc. What happened? Did he develop these new, annoying habits or did your perception shift? We get the urge to nag because we spend so much time with our partners. We can pick apart their behaviors easier than anyone else’s – instead of letting them be individuals and complimenting their behavior, appearances or opinions. How hard is it to say, “I think you are so amazing,” instead of, “Why can’t you ever just put the dishes in the dishwasher?” What would you rather hear? If you’re going to be in a long-term relationship, lead with a kind foot. Back off the nagging. See how far a compliment goes.

No matter where your relationship is, it’s never too late to reinvent it or make new rules. Have fun with creating parameters that work for the two of you. Don’t be afraid to shift your perceptions or try new things.

And don’t forget to enjoy each other, no matter how busy you are or how crazy life gets.