Arts and Culture

Looking For Arts & Culture Exclusives? Get Your Cheeky Card!

The Bachelor Recap: Sean’s Episode Four

Selma Hayek, Pretty Woman, and Torture

by Tiffani Swalley – February 2, 2013

7:00pm: HOLD UP.  I’m confused already: where are the usual shirtless shots of Sean working out? You’ve lost me, ABC.

Sean in his underoos.

7:01: It’s our pal, Chris Harrison, here to congratulate the remaining 13 contestants and tell them, “I hope to see all of you at the Rose Ceremony next week…sweating and crying. God, I love when you gals cry, it NEVER gets old. You’d think it would, right? It NEVER does, not in all 17 seasons. Can you believe that?”

7:02: Oh! Here we are; shots of Sean in his underoos strutting around the house. Okay, now this is The Bachelor I loathe and love.

7:02: Selma Hayek gets the “One-on-One Date Card.”

7:04: Sean explains to us, “Selma (Hayek) said that people are quick to judge her. Based on her looks, they all assume she’s just a pretty face.” Poor, poor, pretty Selma Hayek.

Chris Harrison smelling Sean's underoos.

7:04: In the limo, Selma asks Sean, “Can you handle all 110 pounds, baby?” Hmmm, maybe this is why people judge you, Selma? Do you subtly brag like this to everyone or just when you are on TV?

7:05: Sean and Selma hop in the private jet, take a limo ride, and end up in the middle of the dessert. Selma let’s us know that, “I’m in the dessert and I’m so disappointed.” She is about to be more disappointed because they are going rock climbing and Selma “hates heights.”

7:06: They climb rocks.

7:19: Sean takes Selma to dinner in a Retro Trailer Park. They snuggle and make doe eyes at each other. Sean says all he “wants to do is kiss this girl” but guess what Selma’s Muslim origins do not permit? To kiss this fella on TV! Wait, Muslim? Oh, this is not Selma Hayek? Oh, okay….when is THAT Bachelor going to happen? Your move, ABC.

7:22: Selma (not Hayek) snags a rose.

Not Selma Hayek

7:30: Group Date Time! And it’s a competitive game of Roller Derby…oh…oh dear.

7:33: “Moody” Amanda lies to the girls and says she “like totally Roller Derbies all the time.” Moody and a liar, what a catch!

7:37: As if there wasn’t enough proof that “The Universe” doesn’t have a sense of humor…Moody Amanda falls and breaks her jaw. Well, we don’t know if it’s broken, but she has to go to the hospital and get it checked out.

7:43: Since these girls are having a hard time with The Derby, Sean calls it off and suggests eighth grade-style rollerskating instead. Cue the disco ball, holding hands, and “Right Here Waiting For You.”

7:52: Sean and the girls head to the Roosevelt Hotel rooftop and Moody Amanda is back with a not-broken-but-sore jaw.

7:53: Sean gives Amanda some extra attention and a kiss on the chin. Moody Amanda says she SHOULD have told him, “They took out my tonsils” and then demonstrates a sloppy, sloppy French kiss, which cracks herself up.

7:53: Leslie H. finally gets her One-on-One Date with Sean and some diamond earrings.

"WHY am I being tortured? WHY?"

7:56: Back at the Roosevelt, Tierra begins having her daily meltdown.  She asks the producers if she can leave saying, “I deserve so much more than this. Sean’s a great guy but why should I be tortured everyday and live life uneasy? WHY?”

7:57: Tierra grabs Sean, leaving Lindsey alone in her bathing suit. Tierra whines and complains and ends up getting the rose. And makes a sort of devilish, Grinch Who Stole Christmas-face behind Sean’s back.

8:07: Sean picks Leslie H. up, takes her on a “Pretty Woman” date, then dumps her at dinner. Um, Sean, that is not how that movie ends…you marry the hooker, remember?

...actual torture.

8:26: Sean pretends to be sad about Leslie H. going home.

8:30: Ladieeeeezzzzz, it’s time to jump through some hoops! Cocktail hour!

8:42: Did Tierra get that dent in her forehead from her fall down the grand staircase last week? Or was that always there?

8:51: Rose Ceremony! Ceremony O’ Fate!

8:59: We are at the final rose for tonight and Sean gives it to Daniela (who we’ve heard and seen NOTHING from) and sends Moody Amanda home.  Moody Amanda is upset but if her jaw isn’t working, Sean has to send her home. Amiright, fellas? So Amanda gathers her “Cranberry-Gothic” flavored Chapstick, turns back into a bat and flies into the night; looking for more prey. Godspeed, Moody, Godspeed.

About the Author: Tiffani Swalley

Tiffani Swalley watches entirely too much television. When this “Transplanted Southerner” pries herself away for the tube, you’ll find her writing press releases or performing around Chicago…or eating…or eating while doing both.