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Tamra’s OC Wedding: Episode One

Tits and Giggles

by Tiffani Swalley – September 6, 2013
Tamara and Eddie

Tamra and Eddie

7:01pm: We open on St. Regis Monarch Beach Resort. Tamara – the thrice-bride-to-be – informs us that she, “can’t imagine getting married anywhere else.” I’m sure she means this time…for this marriage: for this marriage she can’t imagine getting married anywhere else, this time. The last two marriages, eh, didn’t count.

7:03: Tamara has hired Diann Valentine to design her wedding. After all, Tamra lets us know, she designed Usher’s wedding. And when I think of Tamra, I immediately think of Usher. “You’ve Got It Bad,” Tamara; and yes, I mean a case of the herp.

704: There he is – the groom-to-be – Eddie. Why he is marrying Tamara, I will never know. Maybe, like all of us, deep-down he is white trash and is looking forward to a life full of glares, burping and yelling from Mrs. T herself.

7:06: Tamra and Heather Dubrow meet up for dinner to discuss the five-week wedding planning process. Tamra asks Dubrow if she will be one of her bridesmaids. Good move, Tamra, maybe she’ll get you a discount on some future plastic surgery.

7:10: Eddie and Tamra are figuring costs for their wedding. Eddie is not too pleased with the prices on everything. Wait a minute, isn’t Mr. Bravo (i.e. Andy Cohen) going to pay for all of this? I mean, even my arch nemesis, Chris Harrison, pays for his ABC weddings. Come on, Cohen, step it up here.

7:27: Tamra and Eddie are heading to Vegas because Eddie never got a bachelor party. “Why am I forcing my fiance to have a bachelor party?” Tamra asks. I suspect it’s because deep down she knows that Eddie is getting a raw deal on this marriage. Because Tamra is going to yell at him, and also she is not a man.

Tamara getting ratted out at dinner.

Tamra getting ratted out at dinner.

7:32: The gang’s here in Vegas and everyone heads out for dinner. And hey, there’s Heather McDonald from Chelsea Lately. That’s weird. I like her.

7:34: Heather Dubrow starts telling the dinner table – including Eddie – that at Tamra’s bachelorette party, two men dressed as matadors started dry humping Tamra. Eddie is not amused and leaves the table.

7:36: Tamra tells Heather, “Thanks a lot.” Then goes to comfort Eddie, who is pissed and heading to a strip club. Always a good combo, I’m sure.

7:46: Eddie and the boys are off to the strip club, as “It is important to get that out of his system,” says the Queen of Being Married Tamra.

7:48: The girls have gone gambling and “The Heathers” start receiving texts from their husbands about the stripper on Eddie’s lap and the pictures to go along with it. Yikes. Of course, Heather Dubrow shows Tamra a picture of a Rainbow Bright stripper sitting on Eddie’s lap and uh oh…looks like there is some boobage near her beloved’s mouth.

"Hi, my name is Rainbow."

“Hi, my name is Rainbow.”

7:49: Tamra is PISSED.

7:50: Tamra rounds up the girls and heads toward the strip club. I’m saying “the strip club” because there is only one in Vegas, right?

7:51: The girls arrive and Tamra asks the manager, “Have you seen my fiance?” To which the manager replies, “There are a lot of fiances here.” #America

7:51: Eddie and the boys have moved into a private room, where Rainbow Bright is still “dancing” on Eddie. Until, SURPRISE! Your fiance is here and your aunt is literally throwing this stripper out of the room. See ya, Rainbow Bright.

"Hey gurrrrl, hey."

“Hey gurrrrl, hey.”

7:52: There’s a fight between the lovebirds. Tamra can’t believe he found a girl MORE white trash than she is. And he says, hey some other matador was grinding on you and hey, you are terrible and I can’t believe I agreed to marry you – what am I thinking?

7:56: Well, Eddie and Tamra are back at the ole OC home front and it looks like they are all made up. Looks like a truce has been reached and Vegas was just all “tits and giggles” – see what I did there? See You’re welcome. #America

About the Author: Tiffani Swalley

Tiffani Swalley watches entirely too much television. When this “Transplanted Southerner” pries herself away for the tube, you’ll find her writing press releases or performing around Chicago…or eating…or eating while doing both.