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If you missed last week’s Real Housewives of NYC recap, let’s catch you up to speed…
- We are still at the “Party a la confrontations.”
- Heather is mad at Ramona and Aviva for talking behind Jacque’s back.
- Ramona is mad at Heather because she was talking behind her back.
- Heather has a bedazzled t-shirt on that reads Drop Dead on the front and Gorgeous on the back.
- Everyone should watch the “Don’t Cry Out Loud” scene from Drop Dead Gorgeous. R.I.P. Whitney.
Now that we’re all up to speed, let the games commence!
8:03: Yummie Heather decides to air her “Ramona grievances “to Mario (Ramona’s husband). To which Mario replies, “She’s not a crazy person.” Whoa, whoa, whoa. Now Mario, we all can see that Ramona is Shutter Island crazy-cakes. Although, I do admire that you are trying to defend your wife with a straight face.
8:06: Yummie confronts Aviva, “why don’t you defend me, Aviva?” Aviva explains to Heather that she is indefensible, “She can’t do it!” She is way more scared of Ramona than you, Yummie. Aviva’s List of Phobia’s (ALP): Heather #204, Ramona #4.
8:07: Ramona’s friend, Robin Cofer, seems like she might knife Heather at some point. Tiffani’s List of Phobia’s: Robin Cofer #15.
8:12: Thelma and Louise take a trip to the plastic surgeon’s office. Ramona informs us that she “has yet to do any plastic surgery.” As she is making this statement, her left eye (bulging from her tightened skull) pops out and rolls across the floor. She chases it on all fours, dusts it off, pops it back in place, and hugs her plastic surgeon.
8:15: Move to Aviva’s charity event: cycling to raise money for “A Step Ahead Prosthetics.”
8:17: Countess LuAnn doesn’t realize she’s here to support Aviva’s cause and she also does not know how to work a stationary bike. Darling, is this not a horse?
8:19: “Money Can’t Buy You Class” comes on. Countess LuAnn is so excited that her song is playing and no one can get up and easily leave. Excuse me, I need to get a Kleenex, my left ear is bleeding.
8:21: Aviva confides in Princess that she is really disappointed that Ramona and Sonja didn’t show up to the charity event.
8:25: A segment entitled, “How to Thoroughly Insult your Taxi Driver” commences lead by our very own Mona.
8:27: Princess and Phobia-Pants are shopping. Aviva explains to Princess she can not go to St. Barts because of her small plane phobia. Also, she is convinced someone will fall out of a Jeep and die. ALP #98: Death by falling out of an open-aired Jeep in St. Barts.
8:29: Princess informs us that her boyfriend (or whatever Carol’s granola, non-conventional term for boyfriend is nowadays) will meet the Housewives in St. Barts. “I’m afraid to introduce him to all the girls, I gotta be honest.”
8:42: At “A Step Ahead Prosthetics,” we join Aviva and Carol to give a boy named Jake his first pair of prosthetic running legs. The look on this kid’s face is awesome. For the next few minutes, the guilt of reality TV melts away and we find ourselves sharing in a beautiful moment with this family.
8:45: DREAM BUBBLE SHATTERED. We are at Ramona’s place to lunch with Princess, Sonja and Aviva (who has yet to arrive).
8:46: Princess informs Thelma and Louise that Aviva is not happy with them due to their missing her charity event. Thelma and Louise immediately start making excuses. Sonja says her dog lost all bladder control, “My dog comes first, I’m sorry” (I’ll remind you, she does have a daughter). Ramona claims she had a dermatologist appointment and “didn’t want to scare everyone away with her face. “ They then begin to tightly hold hands….just like – you guessed it – Thelma and Louise.
8:48: Princess wisely informs Sonja – hey don’t bring up the dog thing to Aviva.
8:49: Aviva arrives, let’s lunch! Ramona gives Aviva a check for her charity and says she is sorry she didn’t make it. Sorry Sonja, apparently it’s everyone woman for herself. Where is the hand holding now, ladies?
8:49: Aviva drops the bomb we all knew was coming on Ramona and Sonja, “I’m really disappointed you didn’t come.”
8:50: Sonja brings up the dog thing! Uh oh. She then begins to tearfully explain how the dog gets embarrassed when he pees himself and informs us that it is humiliating for a very proud dog to be wearing diapers.
8:50: Do you guys hear that? Tick, tick, tick…
8:51: “IT WASN’T ABOUT ME OR MY CHARITY. IT WAS ABOUT THE CHILDREN WITHOUT LEGS.” (Or ears, because I’m pretty sure they heard that.)
8:51: I’m half expecting Robin Cofer to emerge from under the table, shank Sonja, yell “you’re fake!” and disappear into a dark alley.
8:56: And we are still comparing children without legs to aging dogs that pee themselves….
8:56: Ramona “whispers” to Sonja, she doesn’t know, she doesn’t have a dog. Of course, she doesn’t have a dog. Have you met Aviva? Dogs with teeth: ALP #45
8:58: The girls finally cool off and half-hearted apologies are offered all around. The tears and yelling cease…for now, I have a feeling we have not seen the last of this issue.
8:58: Sonja informs us that our lesson learned today is that, “Aviva is definitely not a dog person.” We also can take away that Ramona will always throw Sonja under the steamroller, open-aired Jeeps can be deadly, and Heather will pay for not inviting Ramona to London…for the rest of her life. Cheers ladies, we will see you in St. Barts!