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It’s The Real Housewives of New Jersey Reunion time! This is only part one of a three-part reunion; thanks Andy Cohen? Are we ready for all the catfights, eye shadow, sequins, and pizza breath that these ladies are ready to offer us? I wasn’t properly prepared for a show that made me long for the more cheerful viewings of Beaches, Schindler’s List and Sophie’s Choice…but alas, our Ladies O’ Jersey deliver.
Here we are ladies…all Spanked up, on separate couches and ready to rumble.
Couch one, team one: The Manzos, Caroline and Jaclyn
Couch two, team two: That other family, Melissa and Kathy
Couch two, team three: Teresa and her 15 minutes of fame…tick, tick, tick. Teresa also belongs to said “other family” on team two.
We start off by learning the ladies are all super pissed at Teresa and none of them have talked to her in over a year. The reasons are as follow:
-Teresa wrote that Caroline was as authentic Italian as “The Olive Garden.” Whoa, whoa, whoa…you mean that “never ending breadsticks bowl” is not an Italian idea? Teresa also wrote that her daughters would never work for the Manzo boys’ imaginary strip carwash. Never say never, Teresa…I’ve got my money on that kid of yours that looks nothing like her sisters and doesn’t speak.
-Teresa pisses off Kathy by continually pretending Kathy and her homemaking cannoli kits don’t exist.
-Teresa pissed off Melissa, her sister-in-law, by allegedly (and by that I mean completely did) setting her up to make everyone think Melissa used to be a stripper.
-Teresa then blamed Jaclyn for the Melissa stripper set-up. Oh, Jaclyn used to be a stripper (not relevant but it goes with the theme). Also, when did it become a bad thing to be a stripper in New Jersey? I thought it was the equivalent of going to a four-year college?
9:02: Mr. Andy Cohen, Master of Ceremonies, starts us off by welcoming all the ladies and congratulating each of them on respective current infomercial successes. We then visit a flashback of the Posche (yep, that’s really the name) Fashion Show. This is where all the “Melissa used to be a stripper” drama went down.
The next twenty minutes are a big blur of passive aggressive accusations, direct and aggressive accusations and Andy Cohen bouncing his head back and forth between couches like he’s at Wimbledon.
9:35: Oh gawwwwd, it’s Lauren Manzo (Caroline’s daughter) here to talk about her weight issues AGAIN. Please someone make her stop. We get it already: you struggle with your weight, it makes you feel inferior to your brothers, and then you get all grumpy-pants…please talk about something else, ANYTHING else. Have you read a good book lately?
9:45: Back to the sport of jabbing, Teresa gets in that Melissa has copied the eye shadow that Teresa wore at the last reunion. You don’t have to re-read that, it really happened. I should reiterate that Teresa hates Melissa (her sister-in-law) because Teresa’s brother (Joe) decided to marry Melissa and not her…and well; it’s hard to be in love with your brother, hey T?
9:52: Something happens to provoke Teresa into her 37th accusation of the evening (yep I actually counted), and she accuses Kathy of almost getting divorced from her husband, Richie. Teresa says her mom told her that, to which Kathy replies, “oh yeah, well your mom is a f*cking liar, too.”
9:53: Teresa is so offended by Kathy’s statement that she moves to the other couch. Careful girl! Pageant shoes are hard to walk in.
9:57: In retaliation, Teresa makes some statement to Kathy like, “you love my dad, and he was there for you more than your own dad!” Yikes, parent accusations! This is not going to go down well at the next mob family meeting. By the way, Kathy’s father is dead…so way to keep it classy, T.
9:58: Teresa’s statement about Kathy’s father has awakened someone – or something – backstage! We hear screams the likes of “I’ll kill her!” “I’ll CUT HER F*CKing TONGUE OUT!” The whole time they were showing this during the previews I thought it was the voice of Joe Gorga (Melissa’s husband). Nope! It’s our very own Rosie and she is pissed that Teresa is talking about her dead dad. Rosie is Kathy’s sister and Teresa’s cousin, also the most likeable person on this nose-dive of a show.
Part of me really (and I mean really) wants Rosie to come charging onto the set, tackle Teresa and pull Teresa off stage by her caveman-like hair…all so I could see Teresa deny that any of it ever happened. But alas, that’s the bad part of Tiffani, so we have to pretend that won’t be awesome.
9:59: Crafty Cohen leaves us hanging! If you have any soul and hearing remaining, it’s on for the RHWNJ Reunion Part Two…let’s all hold hands.