So I’ve tried the girl’s nights. I’ve done a lot of yoga. I have read some seriously insightful books. I’ve drank a lot of really good wine. And some bad wine too. I’ve gone on some really long runs. I’ve pampered myself with mani-pedis and new make-up and cute shoes. Yes, these are all wonderful anecdotal remedies, but there is no escaping one blatant fact: this still immensely hurts.
We (as in he and I) recently had what I will refer to as “Break-Up Part 2: The Real Deal.” And I so wish I could tell you how empowered I am now and how it was the right decision and how free I feel (I’m not, it was and I don’t). The only truth I can really speak right now is that I completely, utterly and entirely miss him.
A very dear friend said to me the other day: “Well Jess, there is good news. You’re at rock bottom. You can only go up from here.” (She’s a wise one, that one.) I am learning that so many people want to give me relationship/break-up advice. Sometimes they are spot on the money, but most of time it’s so far from how I really feel or know as my own personal truth. (What I had with my ex seems to transcend the typical “dating relationship.” We had something extremely rare.) So let me be clear that I am not trying to bestow any on you right now. All I know is my own little experience, which in the grand scheme of life and all its hardships and travesties, is barely a fleck on the wall. I know this. But, on the other side of that existential coin is the fact that pain is pain. And even though everyone’s circumstances are different, we can all fundamentally relate to pain because we are all—what’s that word? oh yeah—human. So, as I sit here at the bottom of my rock barrel, looking up at the faint glimmer of what I think could be light, I’d like to simply share my non-advice advice. Or, what can also be titled: “What is sorta, kinda working for me.”
Get angry. Even if you don’t have that much to be angry about. It’s sooo easy to reminisce about all the blissful times, but there were reasons the relationship ended- primarily because you were probably more unhappy than you realized. Date. You are obviously not going to fall in love with anybody else any time soon. Be cautious: sometimes dating makes you even sadder— because—well, no one is him. But it can be a very ample distraction. Travel. (If you can afford to.) Go somewhere far away and give yourself at least five days. To experience a new city where you feel like an exotic stranger can really shake up your perspective and remind you that the world is large, and you and your problems are small indeed. Move. Move jobs. Move gyms. Move apartments. Move neighborhoods. If it means getting away from the daily reminders, memories and nostalgia, then get the heck outta there. Energetically, a new environment can work wonders for you emotionally. Finally- there is action in inaction. By not calling, not texting, not emailing- you are actually speaking volumes. Not just to him, but to yourself. Space and time provide you with clarity, peace and that little thing called progress. Remember that mantra.
I have one thing left to admit… I am still madly in love with him. And I hope we work it out and can get back together. I believe you only get a few really great loves in your life, and he was my greatest. I know how pathetic that sounds, but that’s where I’m at. Which hopefully just goes to show you- I don’t know any more about this journey than you do. But I guess my point is: at least I am on it.
