I’ve met someone recently. I don’t want to gush too much about this new relationship. It’s only a few months old and so good — I don’t want to jinx it. I have a feeling this could be true love.
Her name is Jessica.
It’s taken me quite a while to appreciate, honor, nurture and cherish that girl who stares back at me from the mirror every day. I have doubted her for so long, believed for so long that someone else had to love her first in order for her to love herself.
Well, about three months ago, I realized what a truly bullshit theory that was.
Sooooo, I’m about to do something I’ve never done before in my public blog. I’m going to share an excerpt from my personal journal, something I write in almost every day and probably (although not on purpose!) neglect my Cheeky blog because of. It’s where I express my most intimate feelings, embarrassing thoughts, daily ups and downs, little secrets and tales of this journey I call my life.
“The cover of this journal reads the word ‘Fearless.’ And that’s what I want to commit myself to be. Not fearless in the way of my old patterns of reckless abandon, selfish choices and over emotional behavior, (which actually came from TRUE FEAR of being alone and facing my own stuff.) Holy hell, did that suck. I want to be fearless in loving myself every day. Embrace the quantum leap of life. To take this newfound solitude and true, true freedom to foster the most healthy and loving relationship with myself. To NOT be afraid of the silences. In fact, the silences have become the most beautiful and most significant parts of my day. I am already on my way. I have never felt so grounded, so clear, so inside myself, so free, so empowered, so happy and so confident that where I am is exactly where I should be.”
I’m sorry I’ve neglected this blog for so long. I know I said I would write more frequently. And I honestly meant to. But this summer, well, to say it was “busy” wouldn’t accurately define it. It was truly the best summer of my life. I traveled to Arizona, NYC and the Hamptons. I went to every street fest and concert I wanted to go to and took in so much live music my heart almost burst. I threw three huge events for Cheeky and my business is booming. I lost over 15 pounds and got into the best shape of my life. I turned 30 and had the most glorious, love-filled, life-changing, abundantly beautiful birthday of my lifetime. I spent copious amounts of time with all of my gorgeous, soulful girlfriends (you all know who you are) who lift me up and inspire me in every possible way. And of course, with James, who’s in a special and sacred category of his own. I went home to Highland Park more often and my relationship with my mother, my brother and my father completely deepened. Perhaps most significantly, I spent most every night “alone.”
It was the summer where I found myself again.
Don’t get me wrong. Not every day is a juicy, delicious, sparkly love affair with the whole world. (Just ask James and Elyce and Stacy and Hedy and Lynne and Erica whose shoulders I’ve cried on more than a couple times…sorry about the snot guys…) I have plenty of moments where I definitely miss having someone to curl up next to at the end of a long, hard day. A lot of them. And yes, I’m dating. And it’s so fun. In fact, it’s more than fun: it’s freaking fabulous. But it’s not with anyone who I am willing to prioritize over Jessica just yet.
She and I are having too much fun.
I can’t tell you how many of these blogs I’ve written in spite of an ex, or to protect the person I’m dating, or in hopes that an ex or the person I’m dating would read it. Excuse my French, but fuck that. Part of the process of healing and moving forward and finding yourself is forgiving, honoring and letting go of what was. Yes, I am writing this blog today for me, but I am truly writing this blog for my readers. For the girls (and maybe some guys out there- you’re Cheeky too!), because we are all on the same journey, just trying to figure it all out. I can only speak from my small, singular experience, so I hope you take something away from this. Maybe you didn’t and that’s okay. This felt awfully vulnerable to put out there and I am proud of that. I know I’m not Buddha. I am simply living proof that hearts heal and life blossoms.
You just have to spend some quality one-on-one time with yourself in order to let it.
I’d like to leave you with one last quote. It’s not my own, but one from Jackson Kiddard, one of my favorite inspirational writers. I found it on TheDailyLove, a blog I read religiously every single morning to start my day. Highly recommend it….
I hope you enjoy it, and I hope you strive to enjoy every day. It’s a gift, girlies. Live it, learn from it and love it.
“Don’t settle because you’re afraid you won’t find something better. Don’t compromise because you don’t want to be alone. Give your perfect life, lover and job time and space to grow into your life. Don’t rush. Don’t hurry. Take your time, be easy, have patience. Allow everything to come to you with subtle guiding and intending. Your days of constant chasing with little reward are over. Everything you’ve ever wanted and more comes to you, you just have to let it in with love, receptivity, and non-judgment. Letting it in is how you become it.”