A few weeks ago, I went on a trip to Costa Rica with two of my girlfriends. In short, it was the most incredible vacation I’ve ever taken in my life thus far. Nothing tops it. Maybe it was because I was with two of my favorite women who inspire me and make me laugh; maybe it was because Costa Rica is the most beautiful place I’ve ever seen; maybe it was because I took part in some pretty intense, adrenaline-pumping adventure-seeking activites; maybe it was because I left my Blackberry and laptop at home and didn’t check a single voicemail or email for five days (a HUGE feat for me); or maybe it was because I finally realized that I’m free.
So, about those adventures….zip-lining through the jungle and white water rafting a level 3/4 rapid, to be exact. Okay: some may like to classify me as a princess. I’m cool with that. I like to get my nails done, I’ve never changed a tire, I live in a pretty cushy condo (which I am grateful for every moment I am in it), I scream at the sight of spiders and my ceramic straightening iron is the only appliance I really know how to use . In Costa Rica, I kicked Princess Jessica to the curb. I’ve never packed lighter, I’ve never been that laid-back about long travel days, I’ve never worn less make-up, I’ve never cared less about the calories I consumed (plantains and carrot cake for breakfast, black beans, rice and pork for dinner–every day), I’ve never sweated so much in the wilderness, (hell- I’ve never even been in wilderness like that) and to be honest, I haven’t felt that alive and that happy and that independent in a long, long, lonnnnng time.
Or… maybe it was because I met a woman named Judi Hessler from Florida one afternoon in our resort’s pool. Judi was 65 years old and on vacay with her third hubbie- Jan -to celebrate her 66th birthday. My girlfriends and I shared our life stories with Judi and she shared hers with us. (Mind you, we were drinking vodka lemonades and Pina Coladas for a couple hours straight before the heart-to-heart got going, but I digress.) The things Judi shared with me that day and the advice she gave me are mine to keep in my heart and carry with me. However, I will say that Judi met Jan, fell in love and married him only three years earlier. (She had been married and divorced twice before to men she loved, to men she was with for very long periods of time, men who had broken her heart.) She had been through the emotional ringer two solid times, found love after 50 and was vivacious, free-spirited, infectious and booming with contagious positive energy. Not to mention, Jan was one cool dude. She gave me hope.
Here’s a little back story on this trip. About three months ago, my friend Hedy calls me up and says, “Hey girl, wanna go to Costa Rica?” To which I replied, “Why not.” I had been in a dark cloud for months and had absolutely no idea what to expect. In all honesty, I wasn’t even that excited about going the day I left. But after five days in this beautiful Latin country, I got an opportunity to emotionally, mentally, physically check out for the first time in a year. It was the most healing thing I could have done for myself…
But back to Judi Hessler for a moment and that hope thing. For those of you have been reading my blogs and following my relationship antics for the last year, it should come as no surprise when I admit that I’ve been hoping to somehow salvage the relationship I had with my ex-boyfriend of four years and make it work. Whilst in Costa Rica, I finally asked myself: “Why would I want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with me?” I had known the answer all along: I don’t want to be with him. And I don’t hope for him anymore. In fact- hope has finally left the condo building. It’s over and I’ve accepted that. It took me almost a full year, buckets of tears (quite literally) and a trip across the Western Hemisphere to let go of that hope. It’s been the hardest part of all, but what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger and that’s one of the truest statements there is.
Besides, I have a another kind of hope now. Hope for a new, different and ultimately better version of love. Hope for myself. Hope for my future. And even though I have no idea what any of that will entail… I can pretty much guarantee a trip back to Costa Rica will be involved. Pura Vida.
