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Bachelor Pad Weekly Recap

Spellbound and How

by Tiffani Swalley – August 31, 2012
@tiffaniswalley

8:01pm: We drop in on this week’s Bachelor Pad episode and Rachel is devastated that Michael Stagliano, Bachelor Pad Dance Captain, was voted out at the last Rose Ceremony. Speaking of Rose…Erica Rose…hates Michael Stagliano. Revisit her departing speech from last week if you missed it, it will give you warm fuzzies all over.

Dance Captain Michael Stagliano

8:02: Chris Harrison enters the BP House in a puff of smoke, adjusts his devil horns and informs the remaining contestants of some new rules to the game.  Instead of competing as individuals, now the contestants will be competing as couples, voting as couples and will be voted out as couples.

Here are the couples, as of now:

Sarah and Chris

Blakely and Tony

Lindzi and Kalon

Jaclyn and Ed

Rachel and Nick

8:04: It’s made clear that everyone (but Sarah) in the BP house hates Chris and is super bummed that he’s still around. Chris is mean and I’m guessing probably killed small animals, for fun, as a child.

8:09: The BP contestants are corralled onto a school bus. This makes Blakely nervous, for school was “not her strong suit.” For the record, her strong suit is blindly telling the difference between Hooters blue cheese and ranch dipping sauces.

8:10: The competition is the first “Bachelor Pad Spelling Bee.” Couples will compete by spelling words while alternating letters. Three strikes, you’re out.

8:10: Tony informs us that he sucks at spelling, “It is like the one thing I suck at.” But wait, Tony also sucks at dating (pan to Blakely by his side) and he sucks at not crying on TV (flashback to Emily Maynard’s season).

Tony crying on The Bachelorette.

8:11: Chris Harrison introduces three middle schoolers that are “three of the best spellers in California” and they will be judging the competition.

8:12: First round goes smoothly and all the couples get their easy words. Then the rounds get more difficult and they start dropping like flies. Sarah states, “This Spelling Bee is making me realize that I’m living with a bunch of idiots.”

8:14: Jaclyn fills us in that the “little bell ringer (one of the middle school judges) was literally disgusted with us.” That’s not even fair, Jaclyn; maybe that kid’s facial expression is just a visceral reaction to the smell of sadness and STDs in the room.

Does anyone else smell the sad?

8:15: The last two couples standing are Jaclyn and Ed, Sarah and Chris.

8:17: Wake me up when this snooze fest is over.

8:27: Oh good, it’s over! Sarah and Chris spell “serendipity” for the win and they head out on their reward date.

8:30: Private Jet Kiss! (That means they are so excited about ridding in a private jet that they KISS…teeheehee.) The two kids then fly to Santa Margarita Ranch and get to spend the day in beautiful wine country.

8:37: Back at the BP House, Rachel is missing the dance moves of Michael Stagliano and is considering leaving the game. Jaclyn and Blakely are talking her into staying and discussing that Lindzi and Kalon are way too happy and, therefore, should be the next couple to be exterminated.

8:46: Cut back to Sarah and Chris’ romantic dinner in a barn, where all Chris can do is talk about Emily Maynard. Sarah keeps asking, “Yeah but do you still like her, LIKE HER?” I’ve got one word for your “relationship” Sarah, R-E-B-O-U-N-D.

8:50: And back to the BP House, where Jaclyn is comforting Rachel. If you win the money, “You can go on vacation with Dance Captain Stagliano!” Blakely chimes in, “And I can get cable!” I would judge her more harshly for that statement but cable is pretty awesome. Although, I wonder if she is aware that she can use one dollar bills to pay for cable…anyway…

8:57: Jaclyn and Ed get a date for being runner-up at the BP Spelling Bee. They head to their private jet.

8:58: No Private Jet Kiss? Uh oh.

9:00:These two kids end up in their own private world, which would be amazing if it weren’t so awkward. You see, Jaclyn has the mega hots for Ed, while Ed is manufacturing a fake girlfriend from back home and slyly slips Jaclyn a copy of “He’s Just Not That Into You.”

"Yeah so there's this...uh...girl, see..."

9:09: Are we still pretending Tony is straight? Is Blakely still pretending to be into this guy? Does this guy think a stripper mom is the best idea? Yes to all? Okay.

9:15: Ed is conflicted and unwilling to commit to the Jaclyn “In a Relationship” Facebook status. But Ed also really wants to win, so he will pretend to like Jaclyn, just enough, for a little while longer. Dirty.

9:21: We travel back to the BP House; Ed and Jaclyn are not safe from elimination but they get to choose the couple that is. They give the roses to Blakely and Tony.

9:30: Voting commences. Scramble, scramble, scramble!

9:45: Rachel calls Dance Captain Michael Stagliano on the phone. Her partner Nick thinks this is “stupid” and hits himself in the face. Remember when Nick made out with Donna?

9:54: Rose Ceremony time.

9:55: Looks like Stepford Couple, Lindzi and Kalon, are going home this week.  As they are pulling away in their separate limos, Kalon jumps out of his limo and into Lindzi’s.  Everyone says “aawwwwww.” I’m so conflicted about this couple. It’s kinda cute but I kinda think Kalon might be a Craig’s List Killer…and he hates babies…or at least, Emily Maynard’s baby, Ricky Bobby.  That’s her name, right?

Cuddling or practicing for a future neck snap?

9:59: We will see you crazy kids next week for more daddy-issued, ego-driven, heart wrenching entertainment!  Godspeed BP ontestants!

 

 

 

About the Author: Tiffani Swalley

Tiffani Swalley watches entirely too much television. When this “Transplanted Southerner” pries herself away for the tube, you’ll find her writing press releases or performing around Chicago…or eating…or eating while doing both.