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Bachelor Pad Recap: Sad Panda Vs. Evil Matt Damon

by Tiffani Swalley – August 10, 2012

Reid Bachelor Pad7:01: Reid (aka Evil Matt Damon from The Talented Mr. Ripley) starts us off by letting us know he caused a little bit of drama during the vote last week.  He convinced Sarah to vote for Ed and then Sarah went and told Ed that she voted for him. Way to go, Sarah (you are clearly the Bobby Fischer of this game, dumb-dumb).

7:03: “Sad Panda Ed” is very gloomy that people voted against him on the last vote. Jaclyn convinces him it will be all right and he should stick around AND he should marry her.

7:06: Obstacle course time! Chris Harrison is way too excited to introduce, “Hot Sludge Funday.” Bachelor Pad Although, I have to admit I’m excited for this vat of ice cream.

7:10: Chris Harrison says “Nut sack”. Giggle, giggle.

7:13: The competition starts and HEY! That’s not REAL ice cream. I’m bummed.

7:14: It’s David’s turn to get into his “Nut sack” heehaw. And David takes the lead.

Sad Panda7:19:  Sad Panda Ed has no more power to finish the fudge slide. He comes in last place. He says, “This is the worst thing that has ever happened to me.” This is the WORST thing that has EVER happened to him.

7:22: HOSE SCENE!!!  It won’t wash away the shame you guys, nice try!

7:24: David chooses Blakeley, Erica and Jamie to go on his date…why does this guy hate himself?

7:30: David and the girls are surprised by their own PROM! Wait, a prom? The girls don’t seem to notice how lame their date is…so moving on.

7:31: I can’t unsee this David kid’s dance moves. I’m trying to pry my eyes out with this plastic spoon.

7:34: Evil Matt Damon strikes again. If Ed weren’t already Sad Panda, he would totally be Dickie from thatThe Talented Mr. Ripley movie. Reid is convincing Ed that Reid is on his side.

7:42: Sarah is appalled that Ed is hooking up with Jaclyn…because come on, “I’m way prettier than Jaclyn…right…guys…anyone here?”

7:42: This hookup is definitely something these two will be glad was aired for all of their grandkids to find one day.

7:45: Meanwhile at the prom, Blakeley is threatening to give David a tattoo on his forearm if he doesn’t give her the rose. But alas, David awards the rose to Jamie.

7:47: Blakeley informs us that David is on her “diarrhea list”. Dang girl, keep it classy, you are still at the PROM.

7:54: Rachel picks Nick, Tony and Michael Stagliano to go on her to date to the Wax Museum. Were they dressed up as wax statues and trick fans…at least it’s not prom?

7:58: Jamie is under the incorrect assumption that Chris (aka Bird Man…cause he looks like a bird) likes her. She informs us “I just want to fall in love on TV.” How could anything go wrong with this plan?

8:06: Back at the Wax Museum, fan says: “Who’s Tony?” Yep, that girl nailed it.

8:08: Rachel awards the rose to Michael Stagliano. Shocker. Then they pursue some cuddle time.

8:27: “Oh, let the craziness begin,” Reid says. Voting has commenced.

8:29: Blakely lets us know that if Chris Bird Man betrays her, “I’m a Scorpio and I’ll tell you right now, I will sting the “diarrhea” out of you.” Dang girl.

Bachelor Pad8:30: Erica Rose lets Donna “The Tongue” know that the other alliance is trying to vote her out. Donna looks perplexed. Perhaps she is contemplating drawing sketches of the other team to win their affections?  But it didn’t go so well with Michael Stagliano last week….

8:32: The Tongue and Nick make out, I mean why not?

8:39:  Evil Matt Damon pulls Jaclyn over to say he really wants Ed’s sloppy seconds when he gets Ed voted out. Jaclyn is not having it and runs to Sad Panda to fill him in.

8:51: Rose Ceremony

8:52: Sad Ed informs us that he “values people more than anything.” Somewhere Jillian is screaming atEd Swiderski her TV.

8:55: Reid and Donna get voted out.

8:56: Jaclyn makes some speech, something about dishonesty and fast ones…REID.  Reid concurs (hissssss).

8:57: Reid, “It’s a game.” (Cue girls huddling together and looking terrified.) Looks like Evil Matt Damon finally got caught and his plan to vote out Sad Panda backfired. Whoops. Debauchery, naiveté and sadness for the win! He’ll get you next time, Sad Panda; he will get you next time!

About the Author: Tiffani Swalley

Tiffani Swalley watches entirely too much television. When this “Transplanted Southerner” pries herself away for the tube, you’ll find her writing press releases or performing around Chicago…or eating…or eating while doing both.