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7:00 pm: “Tonight on the most SHOCKING, most DISTURBING finale of Bachelor Pad EVER.” We hear Chris Harrison’s dramatic voiceover. The studio audience jumps to its feet like a slightly better dressed, Jerry Springer crowd. I’m all giddy with the anticipation I feel right before they hand me my double peanut butter and chocolate waffle cone at Margie’s.
Christmas has come, my friends! The finale couples are Nick and Rachel (cue audience cheers)…and Chris and Sarah (cue lukewarm golf claps and pan to a girl shaking her head “no” in the audience).
7:02: Chris Harrison introduces our panel of eliminated BP contestants, or as I prefer to refer to them: “losers.” We are gifted with mixed audience reactions as each loser is introduced, but the best responses (being crickets) belong to The Double-Mint Twins and Jamie (who appears to have just come from performing a community-theatre production of “Hair”).
7:04: Cue the montage of the BP season’s tears, couples, and lies.
7:13: Michael Stagliano, BP Dance Captain, is the first to be interviewed by Mr. Harrison. We learn that the cute pairing of Rachel and Captain Stagliano are no more. We see flashbacks of Captain Stagliano telling the camera he came for love this time, Rachel and him making out, but then him telling Erica Rose that this was just a BP fling. WHAT?! You led Rachel and um, America on… at least, I fell for it. Stagliano explains that he did want that sweet cash because he spent all of his former winnings on Red Bull, and tap shoes are crazy expensive now-a-days.
7:20: “This is going to be the CRAZIEST night in Bachelor Pad History.” – Chris Harrison, Host and Temptress.
7:26: Jaclyn is next in the “hot seat.” She revisits that she likes Ed… yeah girl, we get it. She also reveals she is still angry about her BFF Rachel voting her out: “our relationship hasn’t been the same since.”
7:36: Next up we have Blakely. Blakely apparently thought she was going to a reunion show for The Real Housewives of Miami. And hey girl, Saturn called it and wants its earrings back. Blakely starts gushing over her show love, Tony. Who’s Tony again? Oh yes, that gentlemen with the long eyelashes.
7:51: Tony and Blakely have an announcement! He’s totally going to propose. Oh man…here it comes! WAIT. WHAT? You are just moving into together? What a let down. Boooo.
7:52: Check out Jamie’s face, priceless. After all, this was her dream.
7:52: Wait, another announcement? Tony proposes to Blakely on TV, just like she always dreamed! Her response is, “Are you f*cking kidding me?” and then she says yes. Way to go, Tony, now you have two children to raise (Tony is a single dad). Just kidding, strippers need love too, we all do. And I’m guessing she can get you a killer discount on some Hooters’ spicy wings and Blakely finally gets her cable. Really, it’s a modern day fairytale come true.
7:59: Mr. Harrison brings out the two couples still competing for that sweet cash: Nick and Rachel, Chris and Sarah.
8:00: Rachel tearfully confesses that she feels hurt that Michael Stagliano dumped her right after the show. He said he didn’t want a long-distance relationship and then started a long-distance with another girl (from Chicago). Ouch.
8:04: Stagliano shows us a new dance move, “The Puppy-Dawg Eyes.”
8:05: Oh yes, Nick is also here.
8:06: Chris and Sarah are up. Chris admits his friends and family also think he is a scumbag for how he treated Jamie and Blakely this season. And Jamie tells Chris he wouldn’t have been a good baby daddy for Emily’s Ricky Bobby. The audience goes crazy with applause. We all hate Chris! Yes, America!
8:19: Chris pleads, “Don’t vote for me. Vote for Sarah.” But Chris, we don’t like Sarah either; she convulses when she laughs.
8:20: Time for the “losers” to vote for the couple they think deserves the money. Nick and Rachel win by a landslide – not surprised – how about you?
Now, Nick and Rachel must go into deliberation rooms and decide to share or keep the money. If they both say “SHARE,” they split the money. If one says “KEEP” and one says “SHARE,” the one who says “KEEP” gets all the money. If they both say “KEEP,” the “losers” split the money.
8:24: Check out those very serious Mall Cops escorting Rachel and Nick to their rooms.
8:28: They are back! The tension is palpable here. For the first time I’m realizing, these two have no loyalty to each other and I don’t know what is going to happen. Every time Chris Harrison says “SHARE,” I think he is saying “Cher.” I love Cher. Mermaids, so good. Anyway, Rachel states, “You can’t win without a partner, so I pick “SHARE.”
8:41: Nick applauds Rachel’s decision. Then Nick unleashes a monologue that would shame any exclusive high school clique to its knees. No one helped me, Rachel tried to leave me three times, I got here by myself and so I decided to keep it. Nick reveals his “KEEP” sign. The audience goes crazy with applause and the drinking of innocent animal blood. I love America!
8:45: Rachel is “disgusted” with Nick. And man, does it suck to be her this BP season.
8:53: Kalon says the wisest thing of the night, “None of us deserve (money). This is a game.”
8:57: The Bachelor Pad quickly morphs into the Montel Williams Show, with Rachel yelling at Nick backstage. Nick pulls a Walter White, takes his bag of money and leaves.
8:57: In the studio, Jaclyn leans over to Ed and asks, “hey are we dating yet?”
In celebration of America’s underdog and hero, I made a montage for Nick Peterson. Click here for the magic. We love you Bachelor Pad; see you next season!